Of Slugs and Marshmallows
by Ozfan
Summary: It's been two weeks since Buffy and Spike broke up. A mysterious stranger intervenes. Could it help? And... Dawn's hair stays shiny.


Of Slugs and Marshmallows

by Ozfan

Disclaimer: Shut up.

Thanks to the effulgent TWoPPers, to little_bit for the whole Bedazzler thing, and to Fool IV, who asked for the following objects in this challenge fic:

1) An invasion of carnivorous banana slugs  
2) The waning of a high school fad for tin-foil accessories  
3) Spike's tree on Revello Drive bursting into flame  
4) A Johnny Cashesque busker named Mary Sue  
5) Demon-slaver carnies looking for new sideshow freaks

Here goes...

Elizabeth Anne Sumers sighed forlornly as she pushed her grocery cart up and down the aisles. It had been more than two weeks since she had last seen Spike. It was harder to break her sexual addiction than she thought. Her appetite, which had bloomed under the calories burned by her and Spike's marathon lovefests, had since disappeared. Her skin, which had become resplendently lovely and flushed thanks to Spike's fantastmagoric lovemaking skills, had become wan. Her once voluminous bedheady, tussled hair, caused by all the insane physical exertion that their impossibly gymnastic sexual positions forced them to do, was now drab and lifeless. Even rubbing her hair up against Dawn's blindingly shiny monk hair didn't help. Buffy sighed even forlornlier, louder this time. No one even noticed, which was kind of annoying.

She found herself staring at the Wheatabix in Aisle 7. A sob caught in her throat as she remembered Spike's fondness for them. She shook her head and willed herself to concentrate on her shopping list at hand.

After filling two shopping carts filled with Evian water for Willow, Buffy headed over to the salt aisle. There had been an onslaught of strange-looking slugs crawling all over the back porch... the back porch where Spike had almost shot her to death with a rifle before consoling her...

_Spike..._

"Dammit," Buffy said out loud, as a single tear crept down her pale face.  "Oh, I must stop this. I must stop thinking about him." Then she realized she must have looked pretty stupid talking to herself, so she frowned and made her way to the paper products aisle.

"Hmm, no aluminum foil," she groused, staring at the empty gaping hole where the aluminum foil should be. Much like the empty gaping hole left in her without Spike around. "This day just keeps getting worse."

She moped to the checkout line and paid for her groceries, then left. She heard a song which at first she thought was coming from the obnoxious supermarket loudspeakers... a song that spoke to her heart... or at the very least, her loins...

_"With or without YOUUUUUU,_

_With or WITHOUT you, ooh ooohhh,_

_I can't LIIIIIVE...._

_With or without you...."_

She looked across the street and saw a woman singing on the streetcorner. Because the population of Sunnydale was seemingly nonexistent these days, the person didn't seem to be making a lot of money. But the song spoke to Buffy, spoke... _Spoke_. You change the o to the preceding vowel and you get... _Spike_... Buffy started crying. She found herself almost mesmerized by the singer's soulful interpretation of U2's most overplayed hit, and next thing she knew she was walking over and putting a dollar in the guitar case.

The song ended, and the woman smiled at Buffy. The woman was tall and very strong-looking. She sounded a lot like Johnny Cash. Actually, she kind of looked like Johnny Cash.

"What's wrong, honey?" The woman said in an unusually deep voice, smiling tenderly at Buffy.

Buffy sniffed. "I'm sorry, I was just so moved by your poignant singing. I recently went through a break-up, and I... oh, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I'm sorry I made you cry. What's your name?"

"Elizabeth. Buffy for short."

"How is Buffy short for Elizabeth?"

Buffy sighed. "That's really not important. Hey I know this may sound weird, but you seem so nice. Would you like to be my new good friend and come over for dinner?"

The woman smiled. "Well that is so sweet! I'm new in town. It would be so nice to have a home-cooked meal. I'm Mary Sue." Buffy shook Mary Sue's large hand and grinned.

Buffy and Mary Sue went home. They talked... talked.... talked... and talked some more. Buffy ended up telling Mary Sue everything about her and Spike. It was so nice to finally be able to talk to someone, Buffy thought happily, especially a stranger who didn't know that Spike used to try to kill her and her friends. A lot. Buffy tried to avoid speaking to Dawn if at all possible, because she loved her little sis, she died for her and all, but she was just frigging annoying. Willow, well, Buffy loved her, she would kill for her and all, but Willow had recently developed an addiction to the Bedazzler and was in fact off at a Bedazzler convention in Sacramento. And Xander she hardly recognized anymore. Not just because of the puffiness, but because he was just so lame anymore. Oh how she missed the fun snarky Xander of old. Plus he had a broken heart so he was kinda depressing to be around.

Mary Sue ended up loving to cook, so she cooked an incredibly delicious and healthy 7-course meal in mere minutes. Dawn came running in during dinner carrying a pile of... something, Buffy couldn't see.

"Hey, Dawnie! Get back here! I want you to meet Mary Sue."

Mary Sue put a hand on Buffy's wrist. "It's okay, Buffy. She's a teenager. Teenagers need their space. The more you restrict her, the more she will resent you."

"Wow. You are so right. Thanks!"

Dawn came back downstairs after a minute and flounced so hard into the kitchen chair that she fell over backwards. Luckily, Mary Sue was there to catch her.

"Hey, thanks. And who are you?"

"I'm Mary Sue. I'm new in town. Wow, your hair is gorgeous!"

Dawn grinned. Wow, no one paid attention to her much anymore, let alone complimented her. "Thanks! I brush it every night for 3 hours."

Mary Sue made Dawn up a plate. "Here you go, you pretty thing. Eat some din din."

The dinner was so enjoyable that Buffy almost forgot her sacred duty to go out and slay vampires or whatever slow, fake-looking demon she was up against this week. 

"Ooh, I gotta go." Buffy stood up and put on her $450 DKNY black leather jacket that was totally inappropriate for this time of year, let alone any type of self-defense moves.

"I should be on my way too then!" said Mary Sue, getting up.

"No! Oh, Buffy, please can Mary Sue move in with us?"

"Yes, great idea. I insist!" Buffy said. 

Mary Sue teared up. "Wow, do you mean it? But I insist on paying a large amount of rent. And helping out around here, okay?"

"Yay!" Dawn shrieked. Mary Sue's ears began to bleed, but she just laughed.

While Buffy was off patrolling, Mary Sue cleaned the dishes in the sink. She looked out the window and thought she saw a dark shadow pass by. She opened the back door and listened. Nothing but the distant sound of crickets. Then she smelled smoke and turned.

"Who the bollocks are you?" a man with unnaturally light hair said. Mary Sue grinned.

"You must be Spike," she said gently. "Buffy told me all about you."

Spike raised his eyebrows, the moonlight catching the shadows of his sexy, mysterious scar.

"Did she now?" he said, taking a drag of his cigarette. "Did you tell her all about _you_?"

Mary Sue frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You're not a woman, you're a man, baby!" Spike said, and with a sudden quick movement pulled the wig off Mary Sue's head. "Now who the bloody 'ell are you, mate?"

"Okay, my name is Frank. Please don't tell anyone. Please."

"You tell me what Buffy said about me, and I won't tell a soul," Spike growled, a deep purr that resonated through every living creature within a city block. "Oh, and COR."

Frank and Spike talked and talked. Frank told Spike all about his life as a cross-dresser. He was trying to save up for a sex change operation.

Spike nodded sadly. "I know what you mean. I'm a man trapped in the body of a monster. I too am saving up for an operation: a chipectomy."

"Hey, I can take care of that for you! I used to be a brain surgeon. I believe that if you get the chip removed, you will continue to be a good man."

Spike was happy. "Oh, Frank, next to Clem, you're the best guy I know."

Frank grinned. "Come on, let's get that pesky little chip taken care of. It's a simple operation, really. Just involves a can opener and a turkey baster. Let's go into the kitchen."

They began to go in when suddenly Frank was in pain.

"Ow!" Frank said. A slug was nibbling on his manicured toe!

"Aw, crikey! Don't worry, Frank. I'll save you." Spike ran into the kitchen and grabbed a box of salt, then ran out and poured some on his foot. The slug shrieked and disappeared.

"Wow, you didn't have to help me, but you did. That really imressed me Spike," Frank said. "Of course it could be argued that you only helped me to get the chip out, but whatever."

Spike stared down at the salt, brow furrowed, cheekbones jutted in throught. "I've only seen slugs like that one other place. New York, 1927. A shipment of bananas from the dark continent was infected with these 'orrible buggers. They ate through the bananas, then ate through the bloody dockworkers. Cor, salt soon won't be enough to destroy these things. When they're tiny babies like that, salt works. But after that, it will take the use of some dark mojo. That's British slang for magic, by the by." Spike decided to talk to Tara about this tomorrow.

After Frank removed Spike's chip via his ear, Spike went home. He could do whatever he wanted, but cor, all he wanted to do was prove to Buffy that he was worthy of her. 'Sides, he'd developed quite a fondness for pig's blood. Human blood was totally passe.

Mary Sue/Frank went upstairs to check in on Dawn. Her door was opened slightly. Mary Sue peeked in, and what she saw shocked her. There were about 40 rolls of aluminum foil all over the room, and Dawn was busy making jewelry out of them. 

"Need any help?" Mary Sue said gently. Dawn gasped.

"Get out get out get... oh, you get the picture."

Mary Sue sighed. "Honey, tell me what's going on."

Dawn felt guilty. "I just wanted to fit in at school. The big thing now is accessories made out of tin foil. But I couldn't afford to buy it, so I stole it from the grocery store. All of it. I'm so ashamed."

Mary Sue sat on the bed. "It's okay, Dawn. You're a teenager. You don't need to steal anymore. Any time you want anything, you just let me know, okay?"

"Okay!" Dawn said happily. Mary Sue ended up helping her make the most lovely broaches out of the tinfoil. The kids at school were going to be so excited when she handed these babies out. Dawn felt happy and at peace for the first time in a long time.

The next night Buffy and Dawn decided to take Mary Sue to the Bronze. Dawn was a little bummed because the big tinfoil accessory fad was on its way out, and people weren't psyched for her presents. But because Mary Sue made her feel special, she didn't get depressed or screech once. 

On there way their to the Bronze, they passed a suspicious looking group of people. Some of them were wearing leather even, so Buffy determined they must be evil. She drew her stake.

"Wait, Buffy," Mary Sue said. "Do not act rashly. Let us first see if they are actually vampires."

Buffy grinned and nodded. "What would we do without you?"

The group of people turned at the sound of voices. One scary, beefy-looking man nudged a scarier, beefier-looking man.

"Check out the drag queen. Maybe we could take her along with the other freaks too."

Mary Sue paled. Buffy and Dawn frowned.

"Don't you call my sister a drag queen!" Buffy and Dawn said in unison, then looked at each other.

"No, you twits, I'm talking about the lady with the adam's apple," Burly Guy #1 said. "You really didn't think he was a she, did you?"

Mary Sue blinked back tears. "There right. I'm sorry Buffy. I'm sorry I lied to you. Mary Sue took her wig off. Buffy stared up at her/him, then gave her/him a hug.

"I don't care. I think you're beautiful," Buffy whispered. "You're like a mother figure, a father figure, and a Watcher figure all rolled into one!" Even the burly guys were moved. They realized that it was wrong to label people freaks. Dawn and Buffy helped Mary Sue put her wig back on. Buffy glowed with self-righteous pride. She hadn't had such a juicy "after-school special" moment since she helped Willow battle the shakes after her addiction.

"Hey, girls, how'd you like to do a good thing?" the Burly guys said after they apologized and decided to turn over a new leaf. They led them to a darkened part of the alley, where a big van was parked. The van had a huge logo on the side that said "Sideshow Bob's Circus of Horror." Buffy immediately suspected that these men worked for some kind of circus. She was astute like that.

"We were told there was a lot of demon activity around these parts, so we were rounding up some of the more interesting ones for the circus," the Burly Guy explained. "But now we realize that is wrong to do. Not all demons are evil." He opened up the door. Clem and Halfrek were inside, trying in vain to escape.

"Hey, how's it goin?" Clem said pleasantly. His eyes widened when he saw Mary Sue.

"Well, hellooo there," Clem said. Mary Sue blushed. Buffy laughed.

"Come on, lets all go get a drink at the Bronze."

They went inside and got a table. They couldn't see the stage from where they were sitting, but a man was singing. It was a beautiful song, sad and full of raw emotion. 

"Wow, whoever's singing, he's really good. He must be in a lot of pain," Hallie said insightfully. Buffy just had to go see who it was. She just about had an aneurysm when she saw Spike up there singing! His eyes were closed, and he was wearing a really fugly shirt and that stupid goddamn necklace, but he still looked beautiful.

_She's like the wind through my tree  
She rides the night next to me  
She leads me through moonlight  
Only to burn me with the sun  
She's taken my heart  
But she doesn't know what she's done___

He was singing one of her favorite songs by one of her favorite artists. He sounded even better, in fact, than Patrick Swayze did in Dirty Dancing. It had been so long since she had seen him (him being Spike, not Patrick Swayze), and it moved her so. 

_Feel her breath on my face  
Her body close to me  
Can't look in her eyes_

At that exact second, Spike's eyes opened and locked with Buffy's. She couldn't breath, couldn't move, and not just because the jeans she was was wearing were way too tight and practically cut off her circulation.

_She's out of my league  
Just a fool to believe  
I have anything she needs  
She's like the wind_

Buffy stood, transfixed, staring at her former enemy, her former lover, her former friend. His blue eyes were flooded with love for her, and the words to the lovely song pierced her heart like a really pointy arrow.

_Am I just fooling myself  
That she'll stop the pain  
Living with out her  
I'd go insane_

_Just a fool to believe  
I have anything she needs  
She's like the wind_

The song ended, and there was a hush before the room broke out in thunderous applause. Women were so entranced that they threw roses and even some nasty undergarments Spike's way, but he just stood and stared silently at Buffy. Then he turned and left.

"Oh, Spike," Buffy whispered. She went back to the table.

"Guys, I have to go. I'm just very emotional right now." She turned and walked out quickly before anyone could stop her.

She walked home quickly, her mind a big ole mumbled jumble of conflicting thoughts. Who was Spike exactly? Did she love him? Could she love him? How many crunches did he have to do a day to keep his abs like that? Why did she only fall for vampires? Who invented liquid soap and why? If she and Spike had babies, would he mind if she named him William?

She met up with Xander on her walk home. 

"Hi Xander," Buffy said.

"Hi Buffy, I was just at the Bronze looking for you and I had the best talk with Mary Sue. She made me see that life is too short for us not to reconnect as the good friends we once were. Let's stop being so distant. Let's just be ourselves around each other, okay?"

They stood in front of Buffy's house as Buffy teared up. "Oh, Xander, your right." They hugged. "I'm so glad I you said that, because I want to talk to you about...."

"YAAGHGHAGHG!!!" Xander screamed. He was being attacked by a bunch of slugs. It really hurt.

"This really hurts!" Xander screamed. "Ow!" Buffy tried to claw them off of him, but they were relentless. Suddenly Tara and Spike appeared. Spike had talked to her about the slugs and Tara had worked out a way to fend off the slimy creatures. Tara was so useful like that, always appearing out of the blue to lend a helping hand.

"Abra Cadabra, Lex Talionis, Santa Domingo, Bada BING!" Tara chanted, throwing smelly magic powder on the slugs. They all disappeared just like that. 

Spike helped Xander up and grinned. "Cor, you look much better. Those bloody slugs ate the puffiness right offa ya, mate," Spike said.

"Shut up, you stupid dead vampire, you!" Xander said lamely, and punched Spike. Spike reflexively punched him back. He did not shout in pain, and Buffy and Tara were confused and perturbed.

"Xander, oh my god, did Anya turn you into a demon to get back at you for dumping her at the altar??" Buffy said.

Xander shook his head. "Not that I know of... so how can you hit me, Spike?"

"Because I gave him a chipectomy," Mary Sue said, walking up to them with Dawn and Clem in toe. I mean, tow.

"You WHAT?" Xander said angrily, and a little afraid, because now Spike could finally kick his ass but good.

Buffy frowned at Spike. "So you've been able to kill and hurt people for the past 24 hours, and instead you..."

"Yes, Buffy," Mary Sue said gently. "Instead he worked nonstop on his rendition of 'She's Like The Wind.' He hasn't hurt anyone, and I believe he won't, all because of his love for you."

Buffy stared at Spike. "Is this true?" she whispered.

"Yeah, pet, tis I reckon," Spike said. She walked up to him slowly. He wasn't sure if he was going to stake him or kiss him. And he never found out either because suddenly the tree in front of Buffy's house burst into flame.

"What the...." they all shouted, except for Spike who yelled "Cor!"

Halfrek floated toward them angrily. "You can't have him! William is MIIIINEE!" Hally said, pointing a finger as a powerful blue flame shot out and set another tree on fire. 

"You 'ad your chance with me, Cecily! Too bloody late! Tara, work your mojo!!!" Spike shouted.

Tara pointed at Halfrek and intoned, "Oooga Booga!!!" Suddenly Halfrek shrieked and was gone.

"Spike, who's Cecily?" Dawn asked.

"Aw, just some bint I 'ad the 'ots for back when I was a bloody poet," Spike said. "Nothin' for you to worry about now, nibblet. Tara took bloody good care of her. 'Sides, only one lady I ever truly loved." He glanced at Buffy. She almost rolled her eyes out of reflex, except she was in fact quite moved and quite horny, so she ran over to Spike and hugged him, which quickly degenerated into a dry-hump fest.

Meanwhile, Mary Sue gave Tara a hug. "Just be careful you don't become addicted to the power of the black arts," Mary Sue said wisely. Tara nodded bravely.

"Now! Who wants to roast some marshmallows?" Mary Sue said, taking from out of nowhere a big bag of marshmallows. They all laughed, and then stood around the burning tree roasting marshmallows, waiting for the firemen to come.

The End


End file.
